Alone

Sometimes you just need to vent. I’ve cried more in the past week than I have in a long time. My family isn’t doing well.

If you know me or have been around my blog for a while you already know my parents are drug addicts and my mother struggles with alcohol. My sisters have fallen into the same path and lead the same lifestyle. I have struggled since I was young with this! But as I get older it doesn’t seem to get any easier. 

The past two weeks have been really hard! I’ve been pushed so much that I’ve wanted so badly to push back! I’m so angry with my mom and my sisters for the choices they are making. I’m more angry about the lies because I’m not dumb and know the truth. Just be honest with me.

Now I say that but my youngest sister and just recently my mother have been honest and it’s only made things worse on my end. I feel like I’m failing as a daughter, a sister and most importantly an aunt. I haven’t seen my nephews in months and I tried to get custody of one but my sister wasn’t having it. Now I’m hearing stories about being hit, NyQuil and going to school dirty. I’ve gone to the court house, the sheriffs dept and called social services. The state isn’t helping me and I don’t know what to do. My kids are my world and I just can’t stop thinking about those babies. 

My mother was found asleep in a shopping center a couple days ago. Prior to that she called me to “vent”. I don’t deny my family I’m always available to talk so I listen. But it bothered me how she talked about being concerned with my one sister after enabling her this whole time. I’m really honest with my family and I told her it was her fault. My mother just turned 50. She has no license no home and works at Taco Bell. I’m sorry you chose this life but no one can change what you’ve done. As for my sister I’ve had to tell her she can’t come around my house anymore. My dad is staying here and I’m having to take care of him again. Made him his first resume and I’m praying something comes thru and he gets a job. 

Holidays are always so hard. My mom has called three times in the past week and didn’t mention Chloe’s birthday. I’m not going to tell her because I don’t want a fake birthday wish to my daughter. I keep my kids at a very far distance. My son is smart and eventually they will ask more questions and I’ll have to explain things to them. But I will always let them make their own opinion of them. 

I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and although I get through it and I’m determined for my own children it sucks not having my mother around or my sisters to hang out with. I adore my cousins and my kids don’t get the time with their own cousins like I did and it breaks my heart. It was recently National Sibling day. I can’t tell you how many times I opened Instagram or FB and wanted to scream. I cried. I cried some more and wrote numberous statuses that never got posted. It just kills me. I’m bitter and I want more. I want what ill never have. 

I get shit sometimes for “being perfect” and I’ve been called so many things from my mother and sisters but I’m not perfect. I’m alone inside and while I don’t share the bad and negative things it doesn’t mean I live this wonderful life. I do however take a lot of pride in what I have accomplished and done and you won’t deny me of that. I chose a different lifestyle and I’m proud of myself, my husband and the children we are raising. I refuse to let you bring me down. 

   

 

It’s true. They are still alive but I live every day scared to death that I’m going to receive that horrible phone call that something’s happened to my mom or my sisters. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to live with that if I already feel this way now. 

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