Recent thoughts and emptying my brain type post ha!
It snowed Monday here in Maryland and we had spent the day out at a children’s museum an hour from home. While driving home the snow started but we decided to stop and eat instead of taking food home or making food later so when we actually left there to head home the roads were messy and snow was accumulating. I FREAK out in bad weather. My dad use to drive my car to Jon’s house in high school if it was just raining heavily.
I was on Jon as he was driving which only causes arguing but then at a stop light a car went sideways and I lost it and he just got more mad because that driver didn’t know how to drive and he isn’t going to do that. BUT come on! Okay fine you drive okay in the snow but what if something happens what if another car hits us and it’s not our fault. Basically I wanted him to drive 5 mph home.
He also decided that we’d go to his cousins to hang out. This is fine but like I said it’s snowing and we’d already been out all day so I was just wanting to be safely home with my kids. We go and have a great time and got home safe late that night but a convo took place while there explaining to them how I felt in that situation on the ride over. I told Jon’s cousins jokingly that my mom and dad have been so lucky in life. Seriously beat death numerous times I feel like. And basically did some shitty things but they’ll be the ones to live to 100. Anyways I just don’t see myself being that lucky. You know how shitty things always happen to the best people. I wouldn’t have a drink with everyone and said “I’m not going out front page of the paper parents die in automobile crash and alcohol was in system”. I’m not doing that to my kids. I feel like I’m in the kind of senerio sometimes where life is so good it’s going to be ripped away. Call me crazy.
Next day I watch “if I stay” and BAM! It’s like OMG! This amazing happy family taken away just like that! Leaving so many crushed and a hold alone. Then my friend text me asking about our time at the museum and she said she was thinking of us and our drive home. I thought about how thankful I was to be okay and that my friend got a text back from me instead of hearing devastating news of a bad crash after worrying about us. This is how my brain works! Tell me I’m not alone.
Then mentioned this picture…
Two days just ran together and it completely freaked me out haha. Like a sign. But was it a sign that everything’s okay and we’re going to be okay or is my perfectly portrayed family going to be destroyed? I start thinking about all the what ifs. What would happen if everything was taken from Jr like the movie “if I stay”? What would Jon do if I died? What would I do without Jon?
This isn’t the first time my mind has played tricks on me. But I can’t be alone because these thoughts started when I became a mom. So maybe other moms can relate. I’m so paranoid all the time. I make sure we do everything we can and I strive to be a great mom who just does right by her kids. I just hope that I’m doing it right and that this life I’ve created with my husband and children won’t be taken away before I’m done living it!