Currently 

In the past 5 days I’ve watched my dad get really upset about his life. But in the past 5 days I’ve also watched my dad get excited to take the kids to the bus stop. I’ve watched him time and time again help Chloe with her shoes. She doesn’t ask he just props her up in a chair and does it. He’s played basketball with Jr. Laid in bed with Jr and watched sports and my favorite is he brushed Chloe’s hair numerous times because she doesn’t like me doing it. I can’t leave out the night he played the game “who tooted” because the kids loved that! 
I don’t have a relationship with my mother. She doesnt have a job and lost her place of residence so my aunt is having to take care of her. My baby sister is pregnant and in jail with another little girl out here only to question when she’ll see her mom again. And my other sister. I’m praying pulls out of this tough time because she has two boys that need her.

I know I have my husband, my best and closest friends but when it comes to family I feel alone. It is the worst feeling in the entire world. No one ever ask how I’m doing? You can’t possibly understand how I feel and how it feels to know my family is homeless. None of them with jobs and none of them in a home that is theirs. 

I’ve cried for a week. I’m heart broken and alone. But my dad is present and I might not show him of express it well but his presence does mean a lot and the “I love you” before bed is comforting and I’m so happy my kids have him. 

How I felt about turning 30 in 2016

I have never been one to think about my age. But in the weeks leading up to the new year it was on my mind a lot. 

New Year’s Eve while hanging out with My hubby’s family I mentioned or vented a little about how I’m scared of turning 30. His aunt told me that the 30’s are great just like almost everyone else has said but then goes into how by 30 a woman is usually established. They know where they are in life or where they’re going.

While I am married and have two kids. I lack the feeling of accomplishment. I don’t have something that signifies Heather. I don’t know if I know where I’m going. I’m Jons wife who stays home while he works. I’m the kids mother who volunteers and attends sporting events. But what do I have that’s just me?? I work out but I’m not anywhere close to where I would like to be. And I surely don’t make any money or any impact on others while doing it either. It’s like what am I going to be when I grow up?

But while this is all happening I’m being reminded by Jons aunt, his cousins and even an uncle of what a great mom I am. The next day while driving somewhere I started to cry and told my husband that I never realized how often his family compliments me on being a mom. He proceeded to tell me about my family and people on social media. At that moment it just hit me differently. And got me thinking. 

I might not have a career or a rocking set of abs to show for my hard work in the gym but I’m a mom. Who is lucky enough to be supported and encouraged for being a mom. I do my very best. I do what I think is best for my children and while it doesn’t always work out how I’d like I’m still doing a good job and that is who I am. I’m a mom. A mom who needs to accept that fact that while I might just see it as something I chose to do for my family it’s not going unrecognized. And that in itself is a huge accomplishment. 

I’m guilty of not always taking each comment to heart because sometimes I think we’ll this is normal. This is what you should do as a mom. No? And I stay home at that. I don’t have a 9-5 job I have to worry about so I sometimes think people just look at me like “she has it so easy.” 

But they see/saw what I didn’t. I didn’t see my duties as a mom as a job or career but in reality it is who I am and what I’ve not only committed to but made into a full time job for the last 8 years. Our children are a reflection of ourselves and I so badly just want to do right by them. I want to raise good human beings. They are my first thought when it comes to everything. I’m a mom. Heather, the mom. And for as long as I am doing this I will continue to do my best. And will continue to find ways to improve and grow. I will make myself better while learning to accept that it’s okay to just be a mom. 

Alone

Sometimes you just need to vent. I’ve cried more in the past week than I have in a long time. My family isn’t doing well.

If you know me or have been around my blog for a while you already know my parents are drug addicts and my mother struggles with alcohol. My sisters have fallen into the same path and lead the same lifestyle. I have struggled since I was young with this! But as I get older it doesn’t seem to get any easier. 

The past two weeks have been really hard! I’ve been pushed so much that I’ve wanted so badly to push back! I’m so angry with my mom and my sisters for the choices they are making. I’m more angry about the lies because I’m not dumb and know the truth. Just be honest with me.

Now I say that but my youngest sister and just recently my mother have been honest and it’s only made things worse on my end. I feel like I’m failing as a daughter, a sister and most importantly an aunt. I haven’t seen my nephews in months and I tried to get custody of one but my sister wasn’t having it. Now I’m hearing stories about being hit, NyQuil and going to school dirty. I’ve gone to the court house, the sheriffs dept and called social services. The state isn’t helping me and I don’t know what to do. My kids are my world and I just can’t stop thinking about those babies. 

My mother was found asleep in a shopping center a couple days ago. Prior to that she called me to “vent”. I don’t deny my family I’m always available to talk so I listen. But it bothered me how she talked about being concerned with my one sister after enabling her this whole time. I’m really honest with my family and I told her it was her fault. My mother just turned 50. She has no license no home and works at Taco Bell. I’m sorry you chose this life but no one can change what you’ve done. As for my sister I’ve had to tell her she can’t come around my house anymore. My dad is staying here and I’m having to take care of him again. Made him his first resume and I’m praying something comes thru and he gets a job. 

Holidays are always so hard. My mom has called three times in the past week and didn’t mention Chloe’s birthday. I’m not going to tell her because I don’t want a fake birthday wish to my daughter. I keep my kids at a very far distance. My son is smart and eventually they will ask more questions and I’ll have to explain things to them. But I will always let them make their own opinion of them. 

I’ve had a hard time getting out of bed and although I get through it and I’m determined for my own children it sucks not having my mother around or my sisters to hang out with. I adore my cousins and my kids don’t get the time with their own cousins like I did and it breaks my heart. It was recently National Sibling day. I can’t tell you how many times I opened Instagram or FB and wanted to scream. I cried. I cried some more and wrote numberous statuses that never got posted. It just kills me. I’m bitter and I want more. I want what ill never have. 

I get shit sometimes for “being perfect” and I’ve been called so many things from my mother and sisters but I’m not perfect. I’m alone inside and while I don’t share the bad and negative things it doesn’t mean I live this wonderful life. I do however take a lot of pride in what I have accomplished and done and you won’t deny me of that. I chose a different lifestyle and I’m proud of myself, my husband and the children we are raising. I refuse to let you bring me down. 

   

 

It’s true. They are still alive but I live every day scared to death that I’m going to receive that horrible phone call that something’s happened to my mom or my sisters. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to live with that if I already feel this way now. 

Ten on Tuesday 

1. I think about blogging numerous times a day. As you can see I don’t actually follow thru!

2. Hubby got day shift finally after two years and weekends off! It’s been amazing having him around. Crazy I didn’t realize just how much things had changed when he was working nights.

3. Basketball is over. We have a pizza party Thursday night to celebrate the season. Chloe had her 2nd night of this sessions gymnastics tonight. She starts private lessons next week or the week after to try and get her better at doing some skills she’s slacking on. The cheer team has try outs in May & I really want her to try that out! She’s also signed up for soccer this spring & Jonathan starts baseball Monday night! 

4. I didn’t think the time change had affected me until yesterday. I’m back to staying up entirely too late and I’m so tired! 

5. Chloe’s 5th birthday is less than a month away! We’re doing a small party at a gymnastics place. I’m inviting just her friends and having family over on her actual birthday! I’m very happy to have skipped the whole big party this year but my brain is still all over the place thinking of ways I can add to this party in small ways! As far as decor we did cat invites and a banner I’ll print and make myself. We’ve sent those things to a lady for a cat cake and I have a gentleman making me a couple cat balloons. But I guess that’s about it! Pizza, drinks and favors! Call it a day! 

6. My cousins’ wife’s baby shower is this weekend! I have to pick up her last gift this week from a friend and I’m super anxious to see it! I got a couple other small things I need to wrap and pick up a card! I’m really happy with the way my banners came out for the decor. It’s going to be a really cute nautical themed shower! I’ll have to make sure I share some photos! 

7. If you read the post before this you know I’m frustrated with the whole gym thing, I stayed home today and it probably didn’t help because I feel crappy but I’m also thinking maybe it’s my mouthy vistor that’s contributed to my poor attitude and bloat!

8. We’re trying to go to a wizards game before the seasons over but I swear each week we just get more stuff to do! I need to look into tickets again and pick a date! 

9. I’m so happy with the bachelors choice of wife ha! I didn’t like him much but I think it might just work out well for them too! As for the two bachelorettes next season, that’s crazy! And I thought I liked Britt but I’m over her! 

10. Baby fever yall! 

Frustration! 

It comes every now and then. Everything is great and then it’s like BAM! Face plant! 

I met with me trainer today! In the beginning of the year I asked for help. Having hit a stand still in my fitness journey and after two months of really trying not much has changed! It was really hard to stand there and not break down in that moment when she’s measuring me and weighing me and I’m seeing that not much has changed. I think the trainer herself was even surprised/shocked. 

My arms changed in size the most. Really the only thing to had changed. My waist and hips were the same maybe even an inch bigger. Now I lost 4lbs body fat and gained 4lbs muscles but overall was only down not even 2lbs.

What’s worse is that I felt so great and thought I was loosing, I was confident going today only to be shot down. All my hard work for nothing! 

Then we attempt to work out and I over did it last week and my legs are shot! Hamstring hell! Stretching is so painful! Hoping I make class tomorrow and can progress after she worked with me today in loosing my muscles back up. 

I’m just so upset. I talked to my husband about it and I can make myself believe that this is all okay by saying things like “I like my legs and muscles good”, or “I’m not trying to be smaller I’m just toning.” But it doesn’t last long before I’m crying and beating myself up. He asked “who are you trying to impress?” It immediately pissed me off. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I’m doing this for me! I want to feel good! I wanna do so many things I allow this image of myself to hold me back from doing. It sucks so bad! It’s like doing this awesome job and getting no recognition for it. I know I’ve lost weight and I know I look better but I’m not where I want to be and having not changed in a period where I feel I kicked my ass just doesn’t make sense to me.

I have cut out so many things and while I don’t eat perfect I don’t feel as though I have to starve myself either or eat lettuce and chicken everyday if I’m working out and staying so active. 

I don’t know where to go from here. It’s hard moving forward I know I will but the want I have to quit is strong! 

I’m hoping this week gets better!

Ten on Tuesday! 

I’m trying to get back here! This is the best way to share some current stuff while I find the time to give full blog post and updated pictures! 

1. Sports, sports & more sports! There are two more games left for basketball, possibly one make up game! Gymnastics spring session begins next Tuesday! Chloe is also signed up for soccer this spring. Jonathan will be playing baseball with a new league & he’ll also start practicing football in March early April with his coach and old team mates from last fall. There is no settling down for the Kale kids! 

2. With that being said! I would die doing this all alone but my hard working husband finally for day shift! Weekends off too! He’ll be working 530-2 so instead of not seeing the kids for days he’ll be home before they get home from school and he’ll see them everyday again! We’re all so excited! 

3. I’m kinda in shock that it’s almost March! We have my cousins baby shower next month along with some other fun things and then my baby girl will be 5 in April! I can’t believe it!

4. We always had a 5 year plan when it came to having more kids. We knew that I couldn’t handle three and chloe always just made that more clear as time went on. My husband thinks now that he has day shift we should go for it. Now or never. But I’m not sold. Life is good people. It’s not easy by any means but it’s easier than having a baby. It’s just very scary on my part. 

5. I’m still working out! Max loss still 16lbs. I was recently up 5lbs back down 3 so still up 2. It’s so frustrating but I try to ignore the scale! I’m also working with a trainer and my weigh in and measurements are Thursday so I’m anxious to see if I have changed any.

6. My diet sucks! I can’t figure it out. I’m also not one of those people who can eat the same things over and over. I pin so much but get stuck with my norm when I go to the grocery store or my phones dead or the kids are bothering me. It just never works out for a long period of time. I go a week then I eat horribly for a week! One day! I’m hoping I can try again in March! 

7. I’ve went to the dentist 4 times this month! 2 1/2 hours today! Anyone else not so much a fan of the dentist? Granted I’m so happy that’s over and in two weeks I’ll have one less, well two less problems to worry about. Still not done in my mouth but getting closer!

8. My little girl is getting glasses. She came home with a failed sight test from school so we went in for a second opinion to a recommended eye dr and she indeed can’t see. I’m hoping she adjust well to wearing them. 

9. My son came home today saying he didn’t want to ride the bus anymore. Apparently there are some 5th grade bullies on the bus! I’m not a happy camper. Apparently the vice principal came to Jonathan and said if there were anymore problems he would get detention. If you read my blog and know my son, you know this is ridiculas. The 5th graders are saying Jonathan’s hitting. I’ve never had an issue on the bus but my neighbor has and recently took her boys off the bus. Looks like I’ll be talking to the school now too! 

10. I’m so over winter! We are ready for nice weather and sunshine!

Yeap! Still here!

Recent thoughts and emptying my brain type post ha!

It snowed Monday here in Maryland and we had spent the day out at a children’s museum an hour from home. While driving home the snow started but we decided to stop and eat instead of taking food home or making food later so when we actually left there to head home the roads were messy and snow was accumulating. I FREAK out in bad weather. My dad use to drive my car to Jon’s house in high school if it was just raining heavily.

I was on Jon as he was driving which only causes arguing but then at a stop light a car went sideways and I lost it and he just got more mad because that driver didn’t know how to drive and he isn’t going to do that. BUT come on! Okay fine you drive okay in the snow but what if something happens what if another car hits us and it’s not our fault. Basically I wanted him to drive 5 mph home.

He also decided that we’d go to his cousins to hang out. This is fine but like I said it’s snowing and we’d already been out all day so I was just wanting to be safely home with my kids. We go and have a great time and got home safe late that night but a convo took place while there explaining to them how I felt in that situation on the ride over. I told Jon’s cousins jokingly that my mom and dad have been so lucky in life. Seriously beat death numerous times I feel like. And basically did some shitty things but they’ll be the ones to live to 100. Anyways I just don’t see myself being that lucky. You know how shitty things always happen to the best people. I wouldn’t have a drink with everyone and said “I’m not going out front page of the paper parents die in automobile crash and alcohol was in system”. I’m not doing that to my kids. I feel like I’m in the kind of senerio sometimes where life is so good it’s going to be ripped away. Call me crazy.

Next day I watch “if I stay” and BAM! It’s like OMG! This amazing happy family taken away just like that! Leaving so many crushed and a hold alone. Then my friend text me asking about our time at the museum and she said she was thinking of us and our drive home. I thought about how thankful I was to be okay and that my friend got a text back from me instead of hearing devastating news of a bad crash after worrying about us. This is how my brain works! Tell me I’m not alone.

Then mentioned this picture…

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said how we looked like a family in a movie…

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Two days just ran together and it completely freaked me out haha. Like a sign. But was it a sign that everything’s okay and we’re going to be okay or is my perfectly portrayed family going to be destroyed? I start thinking about all the what ifs. What would happen if everything was taken from Jr like the movie “if I stay”? What would Jon do if I died? What would I do without Jon?

This isn’t the first time my mind has played tricks on me. But I can’t be alone because these thoughts started when I became a mom. So maybe other moms can relate. I’m so paranoid all the time. I make sure we do everything we can and I strive to be a great mom who just does right by her kids. I just hope that I’m doing it right and that this life I’ve created with my husband and children won’t be taken away before I’m done living it!

Ten on Tuesday

Hey hey hey! Can you believe it’s almost Christmas!?

This weeks daily ten…

1. Basketball started, tonight was the second practice. Jonathan was shy the first one and tonight cried as they started to play and he sat on the side. I know these types of things can be hard for kids even adults so I just kept trying to help. I finally got up and went out on the court myself which got him out there. It only took a couple minutes until he had joined in and had a great practice. After he even said “I had fun and met a friend.” I’m really looking forward to this season of basketball. Games begin in mid January.
2. Last Friday was our annual gift exchange with my best girl friends and the kids. I hosted and I think it was a great night. I had to ask my friends how I was doing a couple times because I was basically freaking out most of the time. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad and felt like a drill Sargent at times hahah but 5 adults and 9 kids was a lot for me. I don’t do well in large groups and events with a lot of people. My friends helped though and everything went smoothly. Food, game, gifts and a lot of sangria hahah.
3. Christmas is coming and for a long time I didn’t want anything. But now I want a ton of stuff! Maybe I’ll do a fun christmas wish list post. I know my blog is boring these days.
4. Boring blog is probably the result of my virus catching laptop. I can’t upload pictures or edit. I been able to use my sons for some it’s just not the same. Thankfully I haven’t fully disconnected thanks to the WordPress app!
5. Gym is going good, food not so much. I feel like I’ve been living on coffee and chocolate. We are so busy this month!
6. Jon’s schedule is changing again! He’s loosing Sunday and will be off Monday’s and Tuesday’s. This sucks! Jonathan is happy because bball practice is on Tuesdays so daddy can do that now but we loose him in a weekend day when we do fun things which sucks.
7. We’re staying home on Christmas this year. Jon has to leave at 1 for work and thanksgiving alone was hard so I’m allowing us to stay in, play with all our news things and we’re having TACOS! The kids are sooooo excited!!!
8. I opted out of buying new tennis shoes until I met my -15lb goal and that one more lb is killing me! It won’t go away!!!! I’ll never get new gym shoes hahha.
9. Hubby got me new headphones for Christmas and I asked for a polar watch I’m excited for those things to use in the new year and to get better at my fitness game hahha
10. This weekend is crazy busy! I really hope to share some past things and upcoming things here’s soon!

Ten on Tuesday {thankful edition}

This week is Thanksgiving so I thought I’d list ten things I’m thankful for:

1. Having the opportunity to stay home with my kids. It all started when Jr was one. It just made more sense for us and while it isn’t always easy I find comfort in knowing that I’m always available for them. I stay very involved and after attending both holiday class parties today and walking back and forth between both classes I’m extra thankful tonight that while it’s almost always crazy I’m happier there than not being there at all.
2. My husband. He drives me crazy! We’re seriously like brother and sister and push each others buttons over & over again. Laughing each & every time. I mean think about it we’ve been together since we were 14, now 28!But he works so hard and still makes sure he’s as involved as he can be in our children’s lives when he’s not working. He makes it all work and we really do work good together. Even if we’re calling each other names while running out the door to the next sport or party.
3. Our home. While we don’t own it it’s ours and it works for us. I love my space here. I love the kids rooms here. The neighborhood is great and I just can’t imagine us being anywhere else. One day I’m sure but for now this is HOME.
4. Family. The family involved in our lives.
5. Coffee. I’ve been drinking coffee for years. It’s the first thing I do in the morning and often how I unwind at night. It’s like my thing. My time. Leave me alone while I drink my coffee : )
6. The gym! 14lbs lighter and I feel amazing! I’m thankful I get to do this. It helps keep me moving. Gives me that alone time when I need a break and often is a pick me up for when I’m feeling down.
7. Social media. Think you what you may but I’ve met a lot of people through Instagram and blogging mainly and I love those ladies. I love seeing things through others eyes in different states etc. I love sharing experiences with them and following along with them. Long distance friendships minus the phone calls and just sharing more pics : ) my husband often talks about how our children need to explore and move out of state come time for college. And it’s true. Meet people and explore new places. Find your place in the world. I wish I could travel more. I don’t think the whole me has been found and I’m not sure it’s going to be found in Maryland.
8. Food. I love food. It is Thanksgiving week right? Mmm what are you eating on Thursday?
9. Friends. My chosen family. Each of my friends bring something different to the table and I treasure that. I have similarities and differences with them all. We are all so different yet they’re there for me and I will always be there for them.
10. My children! My world! The two things I’m most thankful for on this earth! I swear I was meant to be a mom. And honestly was never that girl that thought about having kids. Until it happened. They bring out the best in me. I want to teach them about the world and watch them as they grow. I want to always be there for them when they need me and I will always make sure to try my hardest when it comes to helping them along the way. I hope my son still gives me bear hugs kisses when he’s grown. I hope my daughter calls me everyday even when she’s married. I pray that the bond we have now while they are young stays even after they start their own families. And maybe things we do now they will pass on to their kids. I hope that when they’re all grown up they look back and love this life were living now and they’re happy with everything we did as parents. Everything we do is for them.

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